• April 20, 2019

How S**tty Are You, According To Your Zodiac


Some of us are relatively tame. Even deep down, we’re textbook examples of what Theodore “The Beaver” Cleaver sought out in terms of life goals. As for the rest of us, however, we’re as dirty as they come. Unashamedly, too. Basically, when it comes to the s**t spectrum, humans can fit into a plethora of spots. Sadly, being s**tty is apparently a fit? Keep reading to find out how s**tty you are, according to your Zodiac.


Gemini. You’re “if everybody else is doing it” s**tty. It’s not that you can’t think for yourself, but when you notice a trend of s*xual promiscuity, you don’t want to be left in the dark. You want people to know that you’re skilled at fitting in, and that requires the aptitude for adaptation — which you luckily have.

Virgo. You’re conservatively s**tty. Since you like things a certain way, you’re not just going to have s*x with any old anybody. You choose carefully. So, if you choose to be s**tty, it’s going to be with a chosen few, which, by most accounts, isn’t s**tty.

Cancer. You’re desperately s**tty. It’s not that you don’t enjoy s*x, it’s just that you’re more inclined to use your s*xual prowess to win someone over. You’d prefer it if you were on everyone’s good side, so if that means impressing them with your s*xual skills, then so be it.

Taurus. You’re not s**tty, because you’re too worried about being s**tty. The way you see it, if you’re s**tty, then you’ll just end up getting attached to more people, and the more people you get attached to, then the harder your life will become. It’s just not worth it, you tell yourself. It’s just not worth it!

Scorpio. You are ultra-super-mayhem level s**tty. Is there anything you won’t do? Well, sure. Everybody’s got their limits. However, it just so happens that you’re far more willing to go all the way (no matter which way that happens to be) if it seems exciting and wild enough.

Pisces. You’re bizarre-s**tty. The way you see it, if you’re going to be s**tty, it’s going to be when you’re experimenting and playing the weird card. Otherwise, you’re just going to have and enjoy some good, old-fashioned s*x.

Sagittarius. You’re not very s**tty. Even in s*x, there’s got to be a designated driver. That’s you. Even though you’re not necessarily going to say no to every advance made towards you, you’re far more likely to opt out of being s**tty just for the sake of being s**tty.

Aries. You’re dangerously s**tty. If you have the opportunity to push your s*xual pursuits to their absolute limits, then you’re so freaking down. This may end in possible bruising or impromptu visits to your local psychiatrist to determine whether or not your s*xual choices were too indecent, but it’ll have all been worth it.

Libra. You’re romantically s**tty. S**ttiness doesn’t really have the best reputation. If someone likes a lot of s*x, they’re called a s**t as though it’s a badge of shame — which it shouldn’t be. Because s*x is amazing. But you make being a s**t look good. You polish it up and bring out all of its hidden beauty.

Leo. You’re open-to-anything s**tty. Are you particularly in the mood to have s*x all the time? Not necessarily. But are you down for anything? Absolutely. You are to s*x what Jim Carrey was to life in “Yes Man.” If someone puts an idea on the table, you’re more than likely going to go along with it.

Aquarius. You’re interested in being s**tty. Whereas everyone else seems to be fully on board with being s**tty, you kind of play it by ear. Maybe you’ll be s**tty, maybe you won’t. You’re not entirely sure which direction you’re headed. Maybe tomorrow. Or the next day. Maybe then.

Capricorn. You’re s**tty in the same way a zombie is s**tty. That is to say, you are not s**tty. In fact, people who are overly promiscuous kind of bother you. S*x should be something that people respect, not something that’s treated like a game.

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