Aries (March 21 – April 19): You’re going to impulsively leave the love of your life for a distracting fling.
Aries is the first sign in the zodiac, so you are impulsive, playful and a whole lot of freewheeling FUN. You’re the kind of person who is oh-so-easily tempted by a ~good time~ if you catch my drift.
So I regret to inform you that you are going screw up your relationship by LEAVING the love of your life for someone you locked eyes with across a crowded subway car.
You won’t think about the consequences. In fact, you won’t think at all. You’ll be blinded by lust and will abandon the love of your life just because you got swept away in a moment that wasn’t even real.
And when the fireworks with this new person burn out, you will realize that you walked away from the best thing you ever had. And herein lies the trouble with partners who are the best: THEY WILL NEVER TAKE YOU BACK, AND THEY WILL NEVER FORGIVE YOU FOR ABANDONING THEM.
And you will be stuck with this meaningless fling until you find the next meaningless fling.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20): You will scare off your partner while in the throes of a jealous rage.
I’m a bull myself, so I get it. We’re calm, cool, collected, fabulous in bed and deeply sensual. Our partners feel safe in our strong, steel arms, don’t they? We’re all flickering candles, cups of blood red wine, kisses for days and stability.
Until our vile inner jealousy rears its ugly head, and suddenly we’re dangerously fuming. Because we LOVE our partners with every fiber of our bull-headed being, but we don’t want to ever share their gorgeous souls and bodies with ANYONE ELSE.
And sometimes, our vivid imaginations, the expansive minds that make us so beautifully creative, can turn on us. They can spiral a little out of control, and suddenly we’ve crossed over to the dark side. And all of that calm, cool and collected energy will EXPLODE. And we will have an epic freakout and spew out accusations of irrational jealousy that will leave our sweet partners running for the hills
Yeah, sorry about that. But we make it up to our partners with mind-blowing makeup relation. We promise.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20): Your fear of commitment will ruin your life and leave you alone forever.
I love a sexy Gemini. You’re hot as hell, intoxicatingly charismatic and keep us guessing with your ever-changing personality.
You’re just charming as hell. Everyone likes you. All sides of you.
The trouble is, you know that a little too well, don’t you? With so many options, you’re afraid to commit to one person.
When you’re faced with one person who could possibly make you happy for the rest of your days, you will mess it up. Because you will be terrified to commit to him or her, and he or she will say, “SCREW THIS, I can’t handle this roller coaster. I deserve commitment, regardless of how charming you are!” And he or she will walk away and never look back.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22): You will smother your partner until he or she can’t TAKE IT ANYMORE.
I’ve dated more than a few of you Cancers. And you’re an amazing, special breed. You’re super kind, gentle and deeply sensitive, and you authentically care about the person you love. And it feels good to be loved so much (especially if you have rejection issues like me).
However, you’re SO loving and SO caring and SO sensitive that honestly, you can be a little on the NEEDY side. You need to constantly be told how “loved” and “appreciated” and “perfect” and “wonderful” you are. It’s validation overload.
And that sh*t gets real old, real fast. HOW MANY TIMES CAN I ASSURE YOU THAT I’M YOURS?
You also want to take care of your girlfriend or boyfriend all of the time, which is sweet at first, but it leads to some serious resentments. It will make your partners eventually explode and say, “I CAN TAKE CARE OF MY DAMN SELF, AND I NEED SOME SPACE, DAMN IT!”
Your partners will then proceed to leave you because they are hungry for independence.
Leo (July 23 – August 22): You will constantly be looking for someone better, so you will drive the best away.
Oh Leo, you’re one of the most powerful signs of the zodiac! You’re smart, and your fierce energy is totally palpable and addictive to the rest of us. You like to be in charge and in control of any situation.
You’re ambitious, and you crave someone just as powerful as you are.
So what’s the trouble with all this? You consider yourself most amazing creature in the world, so you think you deserve the most amazing creature in the world. You’re just always lookin’ for better.
Even if you’re blissfully happy and deliriously turned on and deeply challenged by your partner, you will always have one eye open searching for something a bit better, and a bit better, and a bit better. Until you drive the best away, and are left in the dust of your own loneliness.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22): Your obsession with cleanliness and organization will make your partner EXPLODE before leaving you.
A Virgo has some amazing qualities. You’re beautifully idealistic, you’ve got a killer eye for style, you strive for perfection, and most of all, you are the ultimate organizers of the world. A mess like me is drawn to someone like you.
Your house is spotless. Your closet is probably color-coordinated. There is never a dirty dish neglected in the sink. The pillows are fluffed before you leave your apartment. The products are organized by brand and by type. You keep travel-sized bottles of every beauty product you own so you don’t have to mess up the perfectly arranged display in your bathroom when you go on a trip.
While I’m madly drawn to this type of extreme organization, it can really IRRITATING at times. You know why? Because no one can match your unmatchable fussiness. And your inability to compromise and relax and let your partner occasionally kick her shoes off in peace without a lecture from your Virgo lips will drive your partner away.
No one, not even a fellow Virgo, will be able to match your ridiculous standards of PERFECTION. So eventually, your partner will feel like he or she is living in a goddamn detention center and will try to break out.
Libra (September 23 – October 22): Your love of love will tempt you into having an emotional affair with someone else.
Libras, you just love LOVE more than any other sign. You’re notorious for falling hard, and falling fast, and falling deep. However, your natural tendency is to bounce from lover to lover, because you have so much love to give that it can’t possibly be poured into just one person.
Plus, let’s get real: You’re easily bored because you shine bright like a diamond! And you have an unquenchable thirst for freedom! All of this is a recipe for heartbreak.
When sh*t gets real, you find yourself embarking on an emotional affair with thathot, forbidden co-worker who sits two desks to your left, but some of us (me) happen think an emotional affair is far worse than a sexual affair.
And since you’re pretty honest, you will probably tell your partner, and he or she will feel so horrendously betrayed that his or her heart will shatter into a million little tiny shards of glass and THAT WILL BE IT. FOREVER.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21): You will cheat because you’re so goddamn horny and YOU JUST CAN’T STOP YOURSELF.
I feel a special kinship with you, Scorpio. My rising sign is Scorpio, so trust me, I know exactly how it feels to be an insatiably sexual person who just can’t get enough. And I know what it’s like to be overcome with dirty thoughts that plague you every day.
However, you Scorpios have a sexual prowess that people like me can’t top. You’ve just got swag, babe. And no one will EVER turn your sexual advances down. You’re both intoxicated by sex and intoxicating to others.
To you, being in a relationship is like being a recovered heroin addict surrounded by heroin you can’t have. You can’t have sex with strangers, but you’re surrounded by hot people willing to give you oral at the drop of a hat.
And you won’t give in … until the force becomes too great. And suddenly, you’re getting down and dirty with that forbidden fruit.
That’s cheating. And you WILL get caught. Because cheaters always get caught. Eventually.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21): Your feisty, quirky, SPUNKY sense of humor will make your partner’s family detest you.
Sagittarius, I love you. You’re just so full of SPICE and PERSONALITY. You dominate the social scene and are a fabulous addition to a party. You crave admiration and attention the same way girls like me crave chilled champagne on a hot summer day.
However, your need for attention and your uncensored humor will backfire the moment your partner decides to take you home for the holidays. You will be so excited and eager to impress the family that you will push it a little too far. Auntie Jane just doesn’t like being made fun of for her snaggletooth, OK?
The next thing you know, you will be blacklisted from the family. And I hate to break it to you, but when the family doesn’t approve, you’re doomed.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19): Your ego will f*ck you up.
I’m magnetically drawn to Capricorns. You’re organized, you have wonderfully high standards and you are the great perfectionists of the zodiac. You just like your things to be neat, and I respect that. You like to WIN, and I respect that, too. You just want the best, and I like the best, too.
And you love when your partners tell you how AMAZING you are, don’t you? “Oh honey, you’re KILLING it at work.” “Oh honey, you’re so SMART.” “OH BABY, NO ONE ORGANIZES THE CABINETS LIKE YOU. YOU’RE SO SEXY. F*CK ME ON THE KITCHEN TABLE RIGHT NOW.”
These compliments are like drugs to you. However, you don’t like when the switch flips, so when your partners dare to critique you, you go nuts.
“Well if you don’t LIKE my blue dress, you can find another girl in a DIFFERENT dress,” you will cry as you slam the door in your lover’s face, letting your untamable ego steer the ship.
It’s a shame. Because you’re a really great partner when you leave your ego at the door.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18) You will leave someone brilliant just to go back to that toxic ex you can’t shake.
Aquarius, you have traits that make all of us want you. You’re charismatic. You’re FUN. You’re wildly eccentric, and no one will ever forget you. You’re a fabulous individual in a sea of faceless drones. Who doesn’t want a fabulous individual in a sea of faceless drones?
It takes you a while to fall in love, but when you do, you fall HARD. Real hard. The only trouble is when you love, you love for life. You’re like a goddamn penguin.
Loving another human being for life is great, but when that human being is “the one” (if “the one” exists, which it DOESN’T), it sucks when this human being is toxic. Because when you leave your toxic partner, he or she will still be lingering in the depths of your heart and soul, and you won’t be able to shake him or her.
Eventually, you will meet someone new. Someone healthy and positive and amazing. But that toxic venom from your ex will still be immersed in your heart. And you will leave a beautiful, kind, giving person only to fall back into the arms of your devil ex.
I recommend you see a therapist before you end up living in the ex vortex for the rest of your life.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20): You will blindly fall in love with the wrong person.
Aw, Pisces. You’re so sweet. You’re like an adorable puppy who just wants to be loved, loved, LOVED. I’m a lover, too. Let’s cuddle! Let’s immerse ourselves in a sea of love and affection for the rest of our dismal days on this dismal planet.
However, you’re a little thin-skinned. You’ve been called fragile a few times, haven’t you? You’re beautiful, but easily broken. And I get it. I’m sensitive, too, and it’s hard out there for us sensitive kittens.
While your vulnerability is fabulous (don’t ever change), it causes you to trust the wrong people. You open your heart up to people who don’t deserve your love and attention, but you won’t be able to see that. Because you’re in love.
“But I LOVE HIM!” are your four favorite words.
Remember that LOVE IS NOT ENOUGH. You must love with your eyes open.