• April 23, 2019

I CAN’T KEEP FIGHTING FOR YOU

I love you. More than anyone I could and I ever will love, I love you.

Why can’t that be enough?

I ask life this question every day.

Because we can love someone so much that it takes up the entirety of every fiber in our bodies, but still life manages to push them away.

You are not meant to be with him.

Life tells me, but still, I fight to stay by your side.

I think I’ll keep fighting until my body gets tired and my lungs run out of breath.

The only question I have for you is this—are you doing the same?

Maybe that’s why it’s not working because I am pushing so hard and I can’t seem to move an inch. Maybe I’ve pushed as far as I can and you are supposed to meet me here in the middle. But, you are nowhere in sight. I don’t know how much longer I can hold down this place without someone else being here with me.

I’ll keep doing it though.

I will work out my arms and legs and watch as my muscles grow just so that they are strong enough to stay here as long as possible until maybe you finally see that I’m struggling—for you.

This is how it’s always been, hasn’t it? Still, I keep coming back for more. I give up, only to exercise my strength once again so I can come back into the war that is our love.

Do you enjoy watching me struggle? Or are you too afraid? Afraid that you don’t have what it takes to meet me here and to fight together.

I hope it’s the latter, because then maybe there is hope for us.

I’ll understand if you’re scared. I am too, scared of getting hurt again. Scared of giving it all away, only to be bundled up and thrown in the trash like a piece of scratch paper. I want to believe we are not scratch, but the final masterpiece ready to be hung. I just need your help creating it.

If not, then I will run out of energy soon. Again, I’ll let go of all that I fought for in order to take one last break and maybe this time, I won’t come back.

What if I find someone new? Someone who doesn’t make me fight. Someone that helps me hold all the weight. Someone that meets me in the middle.

What am I to do then? Please, don’t let this happen.

My dreams, my words, my speech, my poems, and my love is all built up from you. It’s made from the countless freckles on your skin, your possessing smile and pretty words. All those promises made under covers, when I had no light of hope except for the one you gave me.

Don’t let someone else take that away.

Only you have been the one that has touched my heart, while I let others simply graze the skin that covers it. They don’t get to me like you do.

They all see it in my eyes. They ask me who is it that I’m thinking of? They know my mind drifts off into the memories we once shared, compiled with more feeling than the present moment I could have with anyone else.

Is it the same for you? Are you sitting with your wandering thoughts and do they always come back to me? Do you stop in the middle of the day, because you thought you heard my name?

Because I do. And it’s starting to cause me pain because I no longer know if you feel the same or if the words you tell me are simply stuck on repeat for every time I stand in front of you.

I love you. I love you. I love you.

If you love me, then show me.

I’m starting to see that my desperation is leaking from these words that I type and only you have had the power to make me expose it. Usually, I’m much stronger than this. I really am. It’s just you that makes me weak.

I don’t know how much longer I can put up a fight

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