• February 22, 2019

I WANT TO MAKE A MOVE, BUT I DON’T WANT TO EMBARRASS MYSELF

There have been so many times when I came close to kissing you. To grabbing your hand and folding my fingers in between. To blurting out the words that have ran through my head since the day we first met: I like you. 

I am tired of waiting for you to ask me on a date. Waiting for you to switch my title from just a friend to girlfriend. Waiting for you to say what we have both (hopefully) been thinking.

would make the first move, I probably should make the first move, but I don’t want to embarrass myself. A part of me is convinced that you like me too but I am worried I have only been seeing what I want to see. I’m worried I will shoot my shot and then will get turned down and lose you as a friend, as an almost, as whatever the hell we are right now.

That is why I keep telling myself to wait a little bit longer. To keep flirting with you, to keep joking around with you, to keep dropping hints about how much I want to be with you.

I have been trying to tell you about my feelings without the words actually leaving my lips. I feel like you should get the hint by now, but I’m not sure if you do. I cannot tell whether I am being obvious enough. I cannot tell whether I should be giving you more compliments, texting you more nonsense, sending you more scandalous selfies — but then again, I don’t want to come on too strongeither.

I’m worried every move I make is going to be the wrong one, that it is going to break the sexual tension between us. That is the real reason why I haven’t asked you out yet, even though I have played out the scenario in my head a million different times. Even though kissing you is the only thing I want to do.

Maybe I am only making excuses for myself. Maybe I am a coward. Maybe I am too shy to ask you out on an official date and don’t want to admit it to myself. Maybe I am scared of rejection, just like everybody else.

The problem is that I want to date you. I want to press my lips against yours. I want to feel your body pressed tightly against mine. But I do not want to make a fool of myself. I do not want to reveal my deepest feelings and then have my heart broken. I’m not ready for that.

I’m not even sure if I’m ready for the other possibility, the possibility you will agree to take me out, to kiss me on my doorstep, to invite me back into your bedroom. I’m not sure if I am ready to take the next step with you, whatever that might be.

I kind of like where we are right now — but at the same time I kind of want more.

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