The Relationship for Show
The Relationship for Show is characterized by the union of two individuals who are in possession of such large and well-known personas that their reputation often precedes them. Said reputations are likely to be of the quality of “party girl,” “person who often breaks social conventions so as to (but not for the purpose of) be(ing) seen as ‘intense,’” or “highly and loudly knowledgeable about niche interests,” such as, for example, independent film or next-wave fashion. Further, the parties in this type of relationship simply recognize each other as Cool and are attracted because a) Cool is highly valued and b) because they see union as a vehicle to up their level of Coolness. Indeed, the two people in the Relationship for Show find each other almost by some self-organizing principal of reality, nature, society or culture; friends of the two are likely to affirm upon hearing of their newfound relationship, “oh, that makes sense,” or “heh, not surprised at all.”
The Relationship for Show is easily defined as a cliché, shallow entity that’s based more on exploitation than on love – in it, both parties hardly know each other and fail even to attempt to establish a lasting emotional connection. Instead, they use each other’s social personas to boost their own social personas in a masturbatory loop that ends only when one finds someone that possesses even more Cool than the current partner.
- Most likely to be spotted at: Conspicuously making out at the most relevant house party, dive bar, or music show
- Disagreements often arise over: Which party to go to and who’s allowed to tag along
- Relationship most likely to end when: One finds someone cooler
The Intense Relationship
The Intense Relationship starts off with a bang and ends in a small-scale war. The commencement of this union usually occurs unexpectedly, suddenly, magically and passionately: one night, everything is boring, the same, the usual, etc., and 12 hours later, everything is vibrant, unexpected, delightful and literally forever-changed. The parties in the Intense Relationship seem, to each other, to come out of nowhere; they may have been around each other for a long time, yet just never noticed, or they may see each other once, and the rest of the story will be burned into their minds, remaining there until death. The Intense Relationship is excellent and crazy, and those in them are known to neglect everything – work, school, personal relationships – in favor of complete immersion in the world of their love. And indeed, Love is established quickly and without question, and as such, there are – for a time – no hesitations, awkward silences, misunderstandings, or sexual hurdles. Everything is incredibly smooth, as if the two individuals have become a singular entity operating only on a shared, unconscious feeling that can exist only between them. But inevitably, the same feelings that allowed such an extreme amount of emotion – recklessness, carelessness, lack of emotional barriers – are those that cause the Intense Relationship’s downfall, and the two are eventually observed going down in a screaming, violent, fiery rage, never to speak to each other again.
- Most likely to be spotted at: Staying up all night having sex and intense conversation
- Disagreements often arise over: Any instance in which one must go do something without the other
- Relationship most likely to end when: One expresses the slightest hint at a need for a tiny amount of space, after both have consumed a considerable amount of alcohol
The Never Ending Relationship
Everyone seems to know someone in the Never Ending Relationship; it’s characterized by a simple feeling – often by those witness to the relationship – of “never going to end,” despite the fact that those inside the relationship are miserable, unsatisfied and could, in fact, find someone that would make them happier. It’s also likely to be of an On-Again/ Off-Again nature. The individuals in this type of relationship are most likely to stay with each other, despite their unsatisfactory condition, because a) life without the other seems terrifying and/or b) Single Life seems terrifying. This is because they have gotten so used to each other’s company that a strong bond of codependence has formed, and as such have come to rely on the solace and comfort of, for example, not being subject to the rigorous standards one faces in the dating scene, having someone around when lonely, or even relying on someone to pick up after you. Often, the love that once existed in the Never Ending Relationship is replaced by a symbol of Love. This symbol of Love becomes Enough, and what is valued, and so it becomes their trophy for living a normal and successful life, which is perhaps one of the most important ideals one in this type of relationship can achieve.
- Most likely to be spotted at: Out to dinner, having nothing to say to each other
- Disagreements often arise over: Extremely trivial situations that involve blaming, bickering and bitterness
- Relationship most likely to end when: One of them dies
The WTF Relationship
The WTF Relationship occurs when either a) two individuals of seemingly no interest to each other, as perceived by those around them, begin a relationship or b) when two individuals form a relationship of which their friends and family do not approve in the least. Such a situation often produces baffled facial expressions in their onlookers, literally prompting the expression “WTF?” when first hearing news of the union. This is most often because the two in the relationship are from completely different worlds, such that those from opposing points of view just have no reference point by which to base their judgement. An example of this type of relationship can often be observed along the lines of class or social stereotypes: imagine a skinny hipster girl who’s known for smoking weed and drinking Pabst with the bros and only dating other skinny hipster dudes getting in a relationship with fifty-five year old body builder into Muscle Milk and rollerblading. Ultimately, the WTF Relationship is simply incomprehensible to the outside world, all the way down to the best friends of the two parties of the relationship.
- Most likely to be spotted at: A place whether either one or the other appear extremely out of place
- Disagreements often arise over: Having to hang out with each others’ friends
- Relationship most likely to end when: The social pressure against the union becomes too intense to handle anymore
The Dependent/ Independent Relationship
The Dependent/ Independent Relationship occurs when one party in the relationship is basically dependent on a ‘service’ the other offers, without which the dependent person would feel completely fucked and full of a deep existential despair. The dependent party in this type of relationship can often be observed crying loudly, begging, and even threatening suicide at the prospect of a break up. Often, the independent partner, upon entering the relationship, is unaware of the dependent person’s lurking need, which is – like a spider in a web – simply waiting for the next individual with the emotional endurance to bear the brunt, constant force of it. In this sense the Dependent/ Independent Relationship is at its basic level an exploitative system, in which the dependent party uses the independent party to supplement parts of their identity which they feel is severely lacking, and when the union comes to a close, it’s often loud and ugly.
- Most likely to be spotted at: At a house party, the dependent one holding onto the independent one
- Disagreements often arise over: Engaging in activities alone or independently of each other
- Relationship most likely to end when: The independent party can no longer bear responsibility for his/her partner’s problems
The Perfect Relationship
The Perfect Relationship consists of the elements of all of the relationships here listed, but infuses an unconditional curiosity and eagerness to learn about the way love can be realized. For some reason, the passion experienced in the beginning of the Perfect Relationship doesn’t cease, but transmorphs, gradually and understandably, into a more stable, long-lasting experience that can be accessed at basically any time. A mystery to the populace at large, not much can be written about The Perfect Relationship because of lack of field data and informational resources, but we can list some common observations that have been recorded in rare sightings – a) those in the Perfect Relationship appear both extremely calm and extremely happy at the same time, giving them a sort of Buddha-like presence in the company of others, b) those in the Perfect Relationship don’t feel lust for others or desire, in a romantic capacity, anyone else, and c) those in the Perfect Relationship maintain healthy physical and social lifestyles.
- Most likely to be spotted at: The bar, with friends, holding hands
- Disagreements often arise over: Life issues, such as where to move, whether or not to have a baby/adopt, whether or not to get married
- Relationship most likely to end when: This relationship is not likely to end
The Chill/ Stable Relationship, The Threesome, The On-Again/ Off-Again Relationship, The Abusive Relationship, The Relationship in Which There’s Constant Fighting, The Arranged Marriage, The Internet Relationship, The Extremely Normal Relationship, The Functional Relationship, The Relationship With a Baby, The Family, The Alternative Vegan Commune Relationship, The Open Relationship, The Forbidden Relationship.