• April 23, 2019

Which Zodiac Sign Would The Zodiac Killer Have The Hardest Time Killing?


I have a general policy to avoid people who turn to astrology to help them make decisions about literally anything in life, and I instinctively associate the word “zodiac” with Mark Ruffalo’s underrated performance in the movie of the same name.

I can’t tell you much about how your sign impacts your personality or the people you want to have s** with — my knowledge is essentially limited to the animal or entity supposedly depicted in the related constellations.

I was recently brainstorming ideas for movies I’ll never have the money or influence to make when I found myself trying figure out a logical way to explain a movie where the Zodiac Killer hunts down the various signs of the zodiac (who would presumably be at summer camp together).

Is there really any way to justify a premise like this? I don’t think so.

But that didn’t stop me from listing them from weakest to most formidable. If anyone has a few million dollars to lend me, I’d love to make my vision a reality someday.


Crabs might have scary claws and bad attitudes, but they’re pretty easy to kill as long as you’re wearing shoes. So unless we’re talking about the other kind of cancer, it shouldn’t pose much of a threat.


From what I can gather, Aquarius is literally just a guy with a bucket of water. Unless that water is boiling, I don’t think he’d be hard to get rid of.


For the purpose of this exercise, let’s assume these fish live in the pond at the aforementioned summer camp. As long as the Zodiac Killer knows how to use a fishing pole, it’s only a matter of time.


The only thing you really need to defeat a Scorpio is a pair of Timberlands, but it can also hide deep inside the toes one of those Timberlands and sting you to death before you ever get the chance to put the second one on.


Inanimate objects rarely put up a fight, but you can’t really kill something that isn’t alive in the first place. I’m putting this eighth because I’m not sure what else to do with it.


You definitely want to avoid being at the receiving end of a headbutt, but I don’t think the Zodiac Killer would have much of a problem dispatching what is essentially a glorified goat.

Aries also apparently has a fly sidekick who would probably be — at the very least — a mild annoyance. At the very worst, it could be carrying typhoid fever or salmonella.


At first glance, Capricorn seems like a less threatening  version of Aries, BUT THAT TAIL! MY GOD! THAT TAIL! THERE’S NO TELLING WHAT UNSPEAKABLE HORRORS THAT HIDEOUS APPENDAGE IS CAPABLE OF!


If you’ve ever watched a video compilation of the slowest people at the Running of the Bulls, you know how risky taking on Taurus could be.

If the Zodiac Killer is a trained matador (you can’t prove he isn’t), he might still have a chance. If not, he can always run down a flight of stairs to get away.

4. LEO

Unless the Zodiac Killer is a wealthy dentist with a high-powered rifle and a guide to lead him to a place where Leo would least expect him to show up, taking down a lion is not an easy task.


According to the uncited sentence I read on Wikipedia, the Gemini twins are skilled hunters from Greek mythology. Twin hunters being hunted by one of history’s most notorious killers could be a movie all by itself.

There’s no way these guys don’t put up a hell of a fight.


I pity anyone pitted against a flying centaur with rippling muscles who knows how to use a bow and arrow. He’s also probably hung like a horse, a psychological edge that shouldn’t be overlooked.


Good luck figuring out a way to beat an immortal being with the gods on her side.

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